| There are a number of very interesting courtship | | | | building skills must be learned and regularly |
| marriage researchers and writers out there now. | | | | practiced. |
| Since courtship usually comes before marriage, | | | | Our Western model of courtship and intimacy, |
| we can start there, with Helen Fisher's work. | | | | prior to research like that mentioned here, was |
| Helen Fisher,Ph.D., has used functional magnetic | | | | predicated on the Prince Charming/Cinderella |
| resonance imaging, or fMRI, to exam brains that | | | | model requiring the intervention of the Fairy |
| have recently fallen in or out of love, and she has | | | | Godmother to make a marriage work, and the |
| put together a brain based model of this | | | | result was a 50% divorce rate compared to the |
| experience that we call love. | | | | arranged marriage model which has a 95% |
| It turns out that three systems of the brain are | | | | success rate. |
| activated in courtship, the lust, trust, and love | | | | I think there are some real parallels between |
| systems, and each of those systems is | | | | what Epstein and the Gottman's are describing, |
| associated with a hormone which can be | | | | which is great for those of us seeking an answer |
| encouraged by engaging in certain activities. | | | | to the lasting marriage question. |
| For example, the lust system is associated with | | | | The wonderful thing about the exercises involved |
| androgen or testosterone, which can be increased | | | | in building intimacy is that they are fun. |
| by engaging in athletic events for both men and | | | | You can feel joy while doing them. My wife and I |
| women. | | | | have tried soul gazing and heart synchronizing and |
| So we can foster the brain and body chemistry | | | | they are far less stressful than couple counseling |
| that prepares us for courtship, and then if we | | | | where we complain about the failings of each |
| take a look at a further development of | | | | other. |
| Professor Fisher's, personality types, we can find | | | | If you are intrigued about the heart |
| a personality type best suited to engage in | | | | synchronization exercise, and want to learn it the |
| athletic events with. | | | | way I have been teaching it to my clients, then |
| Fisher's study of brain and genetics led her to | | | | check out heart rate variability biofeedback. |
| believe that people fall into roughly four | | | | I came across or heart rate variability |
| personality types, each governed by a different | | | | biofeedback, in 2000, tried it out, and loved it, |
| brain chemical. | | | | then I asked my couples to learn it individually and |
| She called them the Explorer, Builder, Director, and | | | | then work together on the heart beat of the |
| Negotiator. | | | | relationship. |
| To determine if there was any statistical validity | | | | That is a little different than the heart |
| to her beliefs, Professor Fisher created a survey | | | | synchronization that Epstein prescribes, which |
| which went out to Oprah followers, and to folks | | | | doesn't offer the computerized feedback. |
| landing on her work at Chemistry, and Professor | | | | I think the heart rate variability biofeedback |
| Fisher reports that the results were very | | | | computerized feedback adds an extraordinary |
| surprising to her. | | | | dimension to intimacy exercises, because the |
| The data from the survey gave her confidence | | | | participants get to see that the relationship does |
| to say that using the questionnaire can help folks | | | | have a heart beat of its own, which is impacted |
| find someone with whom to build lasting | | | | by each and every thought they have. |
| chemistry. | | | | If either their individual or couples coherence |
| So it is possible for science to guide us in | | | | becomes incoherent, they can adjust it to |
| courtship? Sure is, but remember that we are | | | | coherence again in a heart beat! |
| built to size people up rather quickly, and | | | | It turns out that the heart has a brain of its own, |
| sometimes chemistry leading to marriage takes | | | | and that sophisticated nervous system can learn |
| some time to cook. | | | | and make decisions independently of any other |
| So once the courtship chemistry has been | | | | brain we have. |
| maximized, perhaps it is time to take a look at | | | | In fact the heart sends more emotional data up |
| what Robert Epstein,Ph.D. and John Gottman,Ph.D. | | | | than the brain sends to the heart. |
| have to say about marriage. | | | | While the heart rate variability biofeedback |
| Epstein has written recently about how arranged | | | | process is learned initially on the computer, once it |
| marriages in India are successful because the | | | | is learned, it can be cued anywhere necessary, |
| folks in them dedicate some regular time to | | | | like when your partner is agonizing over a |
| building intimacy doing exercises like "soul gazing" | | | | shopping decision while your favorite NFL team is |
| and 'heart beat synchronization'. | | | | getting ready to start a play off game. |
| John Gottman,Ph.D., and his wife Julie have been | | | | Just do your heart rate variability biofeedback and |
| studying couples for about 30 years, and have | | | | you will move into an affiliative and cooperative |
| determined that the folks they call the Masters of | | | | physiology, and you will keep your marriage richer |
| Marriage have some basic skills that all of us can | | | | and deeper. |
| replicate. That is Epstein's point, that the intimacy | | | | |