| Isn't relationship quality supposed to just happen? | | | | is about twice as fast as you can blink your eyes, |
| Boy looks at girl, girl looks at boy, they are | | | | by the way). |
| smitten, struggle for awhile to get together, and | | | | However, a very recent article by Robert Epstein, |
| then perhaps with the help of the Fairy | | | | Ph.D. in Scientific American Mind describing |
| Godmother, they do get together and live in | | | | progress in relationship science really brought out |
| courtship bliss for ever after. | | | | for me how my relationships are still measured |
| Usually the end of the above process is worded, | | | | against that Cinderella/Prince Charming yardstick, |
| "They lived happily ever after", which is not true, | | | | even it its in the background of my counseling |
| because a relationship which grows in richness and | | | | expertise. |
| deepness takes some real effort, but we are | | | | Epstein says that relationship and marriage is |
| jumping ahead a bit. | | | | something that we can grow, cultivate, and work |
| That model described in the first paragraph was | | | | on by engaging in relationship exercises, like soul |
| the model I grew up with, fueled by Disney I | | | | gazing. |
| guess, and that model is peculiar to the West. My | | | | He says that marriages in India for example, |
| parents did not teach me anything differently, and | | | | where parents and marriage brokers arrange |
| I knew that I did not want to replicate anything | | | | marriages and they have never heard of |
| they actually did, and there were no counselors or | | | | Cinderella or the Fairy Godmother, are successful |
| coaches available like there are now, who had | | | | 95% of the time, where our first, second, and |
| studied relationships from infatuation to death. | | | | third marriages break apart 50% of the time. |
| For example, Helen Fisher's work indicates that | | | | He says that we should study what they do, and |
| the reason that love makes us go weak in the | | | | duplicate it to enhance relationship quality. |
| knees is that we are searching for someone to | | | | John Gottman, Ph.D. says something very similar |
| complement us. | | | | about his Masters of Marriage, that they capable |
| (I am imagining myself as a young man trying | | | | of minimizing the four horseman of the marriage |
| that out at the rock concert or love-in of my | | | | apocalypse, contempt, stonewalling, criticism, and |
| youth, "Will you complement me?"As a kid I and | | | | defensiveness, and Epstein says that relationship |
| my buddies spent quit a bit of time working on | | | | quality if enhanced by engaging in behaviors which |
| ways to get women to notice us, since we had | | | | are based on the four pillars of marriage success, |
| no idea how to just build a friendship. Prince | | | | Commitment, Realistic Expectations, Intimate |
| Charming never had work on relationship quality, | | | | Knowledge, and Essential Relationship Skills. |
| did he)? | | | | Helen Fisher, Ph.D. says that we should engage in |
| These days relationship quality is coming under | | | | behaviors which impact our brains, generating |
| the microscopic eye of researchers like Robert | | | | androgen, oxytocin, and dopamine, which she |
| Epstein,Ph.D., Helen Fisher, Ph.D. and John Gottman, | | | | says are part of our three reward systems |
| Ph.D. to name three that I am familiar with. | | | | designed to ensure mating. |
| I have used Gottman's work in my domestic | | | | When both people build that kind of chemistry, |
| violence psychoeducation/counseling program for | | | | the earth does move. |
| several years because it has hands on exercises | | | | (What role does dark chocolate play in your |
| to do that help the men in my program to | | | | chemistry? It prepares you to anticipate that |
| understand that there are ways to foster | | | | something pleasurable is about to happen). |
| connection nonviolently, ways to communicate | | | | So that means I can have some dark chocolate |
| respectfully, and so on. | | | | and anticipate a pleasurable quality of relationship |
| I discovered Dr. Fisher's work last year, and am | | | | with my wife, while I do dishes and she pets the |
| still curious about her attempts to quantify and | | | | cat? |
| explain the process of falling in love by brain, | | | | Truly, it cannot get any better than that. At least |
| because that process can change the course of | | | | until tonight. |
| many lives in as little time as 1/18th second. (That | | | | |